Raising Multilingual Kids

Being a multilingual family is our normal, but it's definitely a curiosity for most people. As a family, we juggle English, Japanese, and Mandarin Chinese. I say juggle because it feels that way. My spouse and I speak English to each other. Our kids speak Japanese with their dad. They speak Chinese with me. It sounds like a mess, and sometimes it is, but it somehow has worked us in the sense that this linguistic mishmash has not inhibited our ability to communicate with each other.

When we had E, we had a decision to make: how many languages would we teach her? English was a given since we lived in America. What about the other languages we spoke? Culture was as much part of it as language itself. But it would be a challenging road of consistency and awkwardness, since as parents our only common was English. At least one of us would have to speak to the baby in a language the other didn't fully understand. 

Before I delve into our odd little journey, let me explain our backgrounds. My husband is Japanese and was raised in Japan. He attended an international school, which is why he speaks English with an American accent. He also studied French during high school and university. So he is fluent in Japanese and English and can get by with basic French. I am Chinese but was raised in the U.S.. I lived in Spain briefly as a child and continued to study Spanish in university, where I studied abroad and attained a minor in Spanish. I have also been studying Japanese since arriving in Tokyo last year. So I am fluent in Mandarin, the Wu dialect, and English. I am now conversational (at best) in Spanish, having not spoken it in years, but my ability to read is better. On the other hand, I am barely literate in Chinese despite being completely fluent (a result of not attending Chinese school on the weekends while growing up in America). 

Which Languages to Prioritize?

From my perspective then, it wasn't a top priority for my kids to read and write Mandarin so long as they could speak it. I couldn't ask of them what I couldn't do myself. Also, a greater proportion of people in China compared to Japan speak English, probably because English has been an essential part of Chinese education for decades now. And since my husband's command of Japanese is better than my Chinese, it was natural to prioritize English and Japanese. 

My guiding principle is that no matter how many or how few languages they know, my kids must know them well. Speaking many languages but mastering none - this is what I wanted to avoid. 

Language as a Gateway to Culture

I have been steadily (but very slowly) studying Japanese for about a year. It's a language that totally immerses you in a different mindset: to speak Japanese is to think Japanese. The thing I find hardest about Japanese is all the double negatives: I don't want you to not do that. What?! It's hard for my English, or even Chinese, mind to wrap around. Communication here can be an art of evasiveness. This is an obvious way that the language reflects the culture, but it does in many other ways. 

There is a lot of discourse about what it means to be Japanese in the international community here, especially among expat kids and kids with one Japanese parent. For most, language is really a gateway to a culture. You can know a language and still not fully understanding the culture, but it's difficult to grasp the subtleties of a culture without knowing the language. So I wanted to give my kids a shot at fully embracing their Japanese identity. While they could always learn Japanese as adults, it would be harder to learn it, and it would be different from growing up having known it. In a way I suppose I am making a choice for them, but it's one that will pass them by if it's not made now. 

Is There Room for One More? 

Japanese and Chinese, though they share similarities, are vastly different languages with different grammar and writing systems. Written Japanese has four components: Romaji (the romanization of characters), Kanji (Chinese characters, though many are not the same as modern Chinese characters), Hiragana (Japanese characters), and Katakana (a different set of Japanese characters used for foreign words). Written Chinese has two components: Pinyin (also a romanization of Chinese, though different from Japan's) and the full set of 8,000 characters that the average Chinese adult knows. Despite a bit of overlap, Chinese and Japanese are really very different languages. For one, they don't sound at all alike. 

Growing up, Spanish was a big part of my life. I lived in Spain briefly as a child, spent summer vacations there, and studied abroad there. I minored in Spanish in college. Spanish language and culture has been an important part of my life and in many ways my identity as well. Because of it (and my Chinese illiteracy), I find myself more equipped to learn most European languages than Asian ones, including Japanese. This has influenced what books I read, what art I like, and my perspective on the world. It's a perspective I would like to share with my kids, even just a little. If you believe that language is a gateway to culture, which I do, then my hope is that someday my kids also study a language from the European continent. But it's only a hope and not an expectation. 

Right now

Right now E is learning how to read at her English-speaking school, so the focus is very much on English. While her English improves, it creeps into her other languages. She says things like, watashi wa freak out shita (I freaked out). So we just keep reminding her the Japanese or Chinese words for whatever she is saying. We have accepted that, especially at this age, her grasp of each language will naturally fluctuate depending on the circumstances. My best language is English, so I am in charge of reading all the English books at bedtime. The kids then rotate to their dad, who is in charge of reading the Japanese books. It may sound like a pain, but it's just our routine now. 

Learning how to write English. 

I think being a trilingual family wouldn't be so strange in some parts of the world, especially if the  languages have common roots. The biggest challenge for us is 1) how different our languages are and 2) we share only English as the common language. As the kids start primary school, I'm sure we will adjust as things change. 

Potty Training

Yesterday was the first day of M's potty training. E was potty trained when she turned two, and we figured we would do the same for M. To tell you the truth, we have been dragging our feet since M's birthday a couple of weeks ago. 

It took us three days to potty train E and a week to fully potty train her (meaning she could be awake without a diaper as well as sleep without one). We read the book Oh Crap! Potty Training by Jamie Glowacki and followed her guidelines, which aim to potty train kids quickly rather than gradually. It worked for us. Things progressed just as the book described. Even now, it seems amazing that we were so lucky with E. We chalked it up to a combination of beginner's luck and E's personality. Naturally, we reasoned that it would be hard to get lucky twice. And the task ahead seemed to become more and more overwhelming in our minds. 

Another reason is outside pressure. For a few months now, both M's daycare and her grandparents have been attempting to potty train M. When she said "poo poo," they would rush to sit her on the toilet. Ninety percent of the time, of course, she had done the deed already. Her daycare teacher reported that she did pee a few times on the toilet. All of this made us shirk from the responsibility. Maybe M was ready, but we were not. It's a little selfish, I know. Since E was potty trained at age two, we had given ourselves an unspoken two year deadline. We reasoned that two didn't seem so late anyways. 

So how did it go? Day one went better than expected. M has a strong rebellious streak. And she doesn't mind messes. So we expected a messy, rebellious day. Instead, she had only one accident in the morning. After that, she peed on the toilet every time after announcing "pee pee." She also pooped successfully. Jamie Glowacki's book recommends for the kid to be naked from the waist down on the first day of training. This is so she can better understand what is happening when she has an accident. Once she understands that, she can begin to make the connection between wanting to pee and using the toilet. It also promotes clarity: there is no diaper sometimes and potty sometimes. As Glowacki puts it, it is difficult to learn a new behavior when you are still actively engaging in the old behavior. 

Potty Training in Different Countries

The environment of potty training this time around is completely different. As I mentioned, M's daycare has been encouraging of potty training and very willing to help. Now that we have undertaken the task, making the transition from potty training at home to potty training at daycare seems entirely doable. It is a very community-oriented mindset. You experience this in other circumstances too - like when other people (usually older people, to be honest) scold your kids. While this might be unacceptable in the U.S., it's not in Japan. It's happened to me, but I didn't mind much, as my reaction to what M was doing would have been similar. The community approach to raising kids works in a society of nearly uniform culture and values. 

E's daycare in Chicago had a hands-off policy for potty training. Even so, kids had to be potty trained to progress to the older class. E was in an older toddlers class when she began potty training. Although the classroom had its own bathroom with a child-sized toilet, it was used as a storage room and was thus unusable. She was also not allowed to visit the neighboring classroom's bathroom on the basis that it would disrupt the teacher to student ratios of each class. There was simply no support or infrastructure for a two year old to potty train. Parents were solely responsible for leading their kids to that milestone. It reflected an individual-minded approach to raising children. On the one hand, you get executive power. On the other, you have the exclusive burden. 

Toilet training in Japan begins early compared to the U.S. It is as early as age one and usually before age two. It is an interesting topic with cultural, socio-economical, psychological, and environmental angles. I won't get into it, but it is interesting if you want to read about Freud, science, and policy. 

Anyways, it is an all-consuming activity. All I can think about right now is potty training. With E, day two was actually than day one, and after a setback, she finally learned how to pull her pants down and go to the toilet. Day one was too easy to be true, so I am treading cautiously. My husband is more optimistic. We shall see what day two brings. I will report back next week. 

Quarantining with Toddlers: the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Quarantining with toddlers is like that Dan Hicks song: how can I miss you if you won't go away? I have never listened to Dan Hicks, but a friend's mom used to say this. I think it sums up most relationships, even the best ones. You need a break once in a while. 

E just turned four years old days ago. M is 15.5 months old. At the moment, E demands more attention (and energy) than M. I'm not sure if this is due to personality or age or both. E is outgoing, extremely talkative, and easily excitable. She is also cautious, likes and follows rules (most of the time), and loves reading and puzzles. M is more introverted, a risk-taker, and very persistent when she has her mind set on something. She is independent-minded, super active, and keeps herself entertained. 

Between the two of them, one or the other is napping between 10am and 3pm. Between 2pm and 3pm, they are both napping. This is the golden hour. However, E is on the cusp of starting preschool and will soon not nap at all. M seems like she is growing out of her afternoon nap. Fortunately, I don't think this will happen during our quarantine. 

E likes doing worksheets from her activity book, and it keeps her current with basic skills she has already learned. E and M are about 2.75 years apart and are at the ages where they play together. This is a game-changer, especially during this quarantine. Here are some of the other things we have been doing:

The thing with E, though, is that she talks all the time. We raised her to be trilingual, and she fires on all three cylinders. I know most of this is typical and even desired of toddlers, However, it seems sometimes that it stems from a need for attention more than genuine curiosity/desire to engage in conversation. I also cannot eat anything in front of her without giving away half my portion. We try engaging her in different activities and giving her "E time" but alas, we need to do other things. 

E is due to start preschool in April. I might enroll her in a drop-in daycare before then to provide her with the social interactions she craves. Even expensive private daycares in Tokyo cost less than $1000 for older kids and around $1000 for infants and babies. This compared to $2000 and $2200, respectively, for our Chicago daycare. 

Japanese daycare centers are subsidized at different levels. The higher the subsidy, the lower the rates, and the longer the waiting list. Overall, there is a shortage of daycares in Tokyo. 

It is easier taking care of M. She requires some watching and creates chaos and messes. But it is less mentally draining. And the apartment is novel enough and large enough for her to explore for now. M will be attending full-time a partially subsidized daycare in our building - the ultimate luxury for us. 

For now, TV is the most relaxing time for everyone. And snack time is never boring these days. 

So the good is getting used to everything together. The bad is disciplining your kid to no avail when the real solution is social stimulation. And the ugly? Getting tired of your being around your kids (and them getting tired of you). And secretly eating so you don't have to share :)