A Japanese Childhood

It is hard to believe that we have been living in Japan for six months now and at the same time hard to fathom that we had a completely different life in Chicago a mere six months ago. My eldest daughter, E, is adaptable. My younger daughter M is too young to remember six months ago. This post is about the differences I have experienced between raising young kids in Chicago and raising them here in Tokyo. Of course, my observations are from my perspective, and there are many factors, aside from culture and geography, that influence my perspective. 

Outside the home, E and M experience very different environments. E goes to an English-language international school while M attends Japanese daycare. Since E was enrolled in an American daycare from 4 months of age, she has never been truly immersed in a Japanese community the way M now is. The contrast between them now, and the differences between them at the same ages, is apparent. 

1. Snacking 

While Japanese kids snack, it is not obvious that they do. You won't see kids walking down the street munching on snacks. In Japan, eating while walking is a big faux pas. Convenience stores typically have a small outdoor area where you can stand and eat your snack before moving on. I'm not sure about drinks. I think to some extent it must also be frowned upon, because I don't see people walking around in the morning with coffee (or water or tea) super-glued to their hands. 

Since most people get around on foot, there are not many opportunities to witness kids snacking. My observations of kids snacking comes from spending time with family and friends. And from the enormous variety of ridiculously cute snack foods found at supermarkets and convenience stores. Japanese kids may snack less than their American counterparts. The walking rule limits their opportunities, after all. However, in America, I think there is a bigger push and wider selection of "healthy snacks" targeted towards kids.

We are not a big snacking family. At home, the kids' routine is morning breakfast, lunch at noon, an afternoon snack, and dinner at 6pm. While this has not changed, I am finding it harder to keep out the less healthy snack foods. E has one classmate whose mom brings a bunch of snacks to share after school. The snacks are super popular with the kids, but are not the healthiest. Now that E knows these other snacks exist, I give it to her from time to time so it doesn't become forbidden fruit. 

Unnecessarily alluring snacks:

Make your own sushi candy.

Anpanman lollies.

Chocolate mushroom mountain and acorns.

2. Eating Manners

Eating in Japan is an activity laden with cultural idiosyncrasies. Babies and toddlers are not expected to eat as adults would, but still, a lot is expected of them. 

A meal begins when people clap their hands together and bow their heads, exclaiming, "itadakimasu!" It means to receive or accept the meal in gratitude. At the end of a meal, you would bow your head a bit, put your hands together, and say, "gochisousama deshita," which means something like, "it was a great meal," and also expresses gratitude for the meal, particularly towards the cook or the person who treated you. These two expressions is the foundation of social eating in Japan, and children are taught to say this from an early age. M has been saying this (or something that sounds like this. She claps her hands together and nods her head, so we know.) since she was one and a half years old. Her daycare has taught her to do this. 

M's daycare also taught her to properly drink from a cup, without a straw and without a top. They asked us to work with her on this at home too, for consistency's sake. It was a huge pain. Spills everywhere. Wasted milk. But she was able to do it within a week or so. 

The same thing happened with using utensils. For babies one year and older, using hands to eat is discouraged. At age two, chopstick training begins. Chopstick training commonly involves moving beans from one bowl to another to master chopstick skills. Needless to say, chopstick etiquette is an important and nuanced part of social etiquette. 

3. Strollers

We started encouraging my then two and a half year old to walk without her stroller when her sister was born. It seemed premature, and she struggled a little. Then the pandemic arrived. My physician husband became busier (he drives the car), daycare hours changed, and I became the one primarily responsible for drop-offs and pick-ups. My work from home hours helped make this easier too. With daycare about one mile away from our home, it was easier to pile both kids into a double stroller and walk. And this is how a double stroller came into our lives. 

In Japan, I see only infant babies in strollers. Rarely have I seen double strollers, since the older child would be expected to walk. It would not be unusual to see a two year old out without a stroller. M's daycare takes her class on walks twice daily, as weather permits. On a nice day, they walk as much as a mile. I would have thought this to be too demanding for a one and a half year old, but kids are amazing and can exceed expectations unexpectedly. Of course, this requires enormous patience and a big time commitment from the caretaker. It made me think that we, as parents, often minimize our expectations of our kids for our own convenience and because of our own limitations. 

4. Toilet Training

Toilet training in Japan begins early, sometimes around age one and well before age two. M's daycare has already begun potty-training. Chinese babies also potty train early, around age one. At least, this was the case when I was a baby. Even though I have lived almost my entire life in the U.S., I was shocked to learn, after becoming a parent, that many American toddlers do not potty train until age 3 and beyond. 

We trained E at age 2 because we did not want two kids in diapers. For her, it went as smoothly as I could have hoped. Even so, it took a lot of work at the beginning. In the end, it saved a lot of diapers, time, and energy. I believe it also made her more confident by granting her greater independence. 

At the time, two seemed early compared to E's peers. Now that I am living in Japan, my perspective has shifted, and I wonder if we could have, or maybe should have, trained E even earlier. Maybe two was the perfect time. Maybe we granted ourselves more time than necessary because the status quo was familiar and convenient, and the alternative meant a lot of work and change. 

5. Social Expectations

I have written about when to remove shoes in Japan. This includes gyms, the library (children's reading area), indoor play spaces, changing rooms, bathrooms, locker rooms, etc.. Any obvious barrier - wooden floor to tatami mat/carpet or a raised surface - is a likely signal to take off the shoes. This is still not always apparent to me, but my kids are great knowing when to take off their shoes. 

M, who is not even two years old, automatically takes off her shoes at our entryway and puts them away in the shoe closet. I cannot take credit for this. This is something she does everyday at daycare. Her daycare teaches all this in nurturing and patient, though unyielding, way. In this way, even very young children participate in social rituals that signal their active participation and integration into the community.

8 Things I Like About Life in Japan

In no particular order: 

1. Pedestrian traffic 

In Tokyo, pedestrians are good at maintaining their traffic flow. This is unsurprising not only given the population of Tokyo but also the large proportion of pedestrians here. Still, it stands out. Pedestrians are good at being aware of their environment. They walk straight. They keep to one side of the path. They easily hear someone behind them and will quickly move out of the way so that person can pass. That said, there are still lot of people walking while looking down staring at their phones, but keeping to one side of the path and walking straight maximizes predictability for others and minimizes the disruption. 

Good pedestrian traffic is important because pedestrians share the sidewalk with bicycles. Cyclists ride carefully and slowly on the sidewalks, but safety is a two-way street, and cyclists rely on pedestrians to keep out of the way as much as pedestrians rely on cyclists to avoid running into them. 

2. How Things Get Done

Paper forms are everywhere in Japan. Everything it seems requires you to complete a long form. My husband wanted to add his mobile number to our front desk's contact list, and they told him that he had to first complete a handwritten form. Japan is positively not paperless, and this is one of the things I hope will change. 

The first couple of months after we arrived, we felt overwhelmed by the amount of paperwork we had to submit. While there is a lot of bureaucratic paperwork, things generally work as they should. For example, it took a lot of forms for me to obtain my national health insurance card. Once I did, however, the administrative aspect of healthcare was easy. I have been to a handful of doctors so far. Every time, the cost is transparent, and the final bill is settled before I leave. I never have to weigh the necessity of a procedure against the incalculable, unpredictable cost that the insurance company will determine. I don't have to wait for months to find out whether I will be paying nothing or thousands of dollars. 

Rarely does your information get lost or reshuffled or misinterpreted. Almost never do you have to take the initiative to unearth a problem and then go chasing after the solution. If you do, you will likely find people who genuinely want to help you solve the problem. All in all,  I spend less time doing paperwork than I do trying to retroactively fix problems. 

3. Reasonable Prices

For some reason, I had been under the impression that the cost of living was high in Japan. Many fruits are, in fact, expensive compared to those in the U.S.. However, the costs of services in Tokyo is generally less compared to the same costs in Chicago. Yoyogi Park, one of the largest public parks in Tokyo, has a biking pathway and rents both kids and adult bicycles. It is hugely popular and yet costs only about $2 for an hour. I find it interesting that the price is not directly proportional to demand. It may be difficult to attain popular things and services, but the sticker price won't make you gasp. 

More often than not in Chicago, the cost of something exceeded its value (to me). I would have in my mind an idea of how much I would pay for something, an expectation, and usually it would end up costing much more. It felt like a lot of businesses charged the highest price they could. That, in turn, made it feel like they cared more about maximizing profit than serving the customer. 

In, Japan, I find myself constantly surprised at how reasonable prices are, even when it is something that people line up for. Japan is a capitalist country, but there is something at work in the market that goes beyond pure economics. That something - perhaps culture or custom - acts as a restraint on capitalism. 

4. Social Interactions

Japanese people take a lot of pride in their manners. Manners, broadly speaking, is your bearing towards, and impact on, others. Manners reflect as much on yourself as it does on how you consider others. How considerate you are of others is a reflection of how well you were raised - a reflection of not only yourself but your family and community.

In Japan, children, like most other countries, are taught core values, including kindness and consideration. These values are so important that they transcend beyond the individual. In other words, they are more important than individualism. This education begins early. My youngest daughter attends a Japanese nursery school. She is a year and a half and knows to take her shoes off at entrances. She knows to put away her shoes, and to hand her empty plates over after eating. 

Adult interactions reflect this as well. People's actions are shaped by how they will impact others. This affects how people dress (well), how they speak (carefully), and how they walk (with awareness of surroundings). Manners are important because it is a matter of self-dignity and respect for others, two concepts fundamental to Japanese culture. 

5. Community

There is a real sense of community in Japanese culture, even in a city like Tokyo. I think Japan's ethnic and cultural homogeneity was historically an important part of this. However, there are a lot of non-Japanese living in Tokyo today. This is especially apparent at the moment because the country's borders are closed to foreign tourists. Despite diverse backgrounds and ethnicities, many non-Japanese living here speak Japanese and almost all adopt cultural norms and customs. This provides commonality and facilitates a sense of community. 

I commute to E's school every morning via bicycle. It is amazing to see how many people and businesses begin the day cleaning their street. I once saw a gust of wind blow a business's sign down, right into the sidewalk. Immediately, a passerby, an elderly woman on a cane, bent over to prop it back up. I often see people picking up trash even when it is clearly not theirs. Each person is inclined to keep the streets clean because everyone in the community makes the same effort. 

6. Conservation

Japan is an island nation. Nature is a dominant force in life and resources are not taken for granted. The geography and environment have shaped the cultural devotion to conservation. Japanese people value efficiency and  resourcefulness. Unlike Chinese culture, where excess (especially when it comes to food) is celebrated and even socially necessary, Japanese culture celebrates the idea of having just enough. 

Japanese recycling involves cleaning and separating your trash into several categories. Of the non-recyclables, perhaps the largest category of waste is the burnables. Given Japan's small landmass, it has developed incineration plants designed to generate clean electricity from burning trash. The furnaces operate in compliance with strict anti-pollution laws. If you want to read about the details, the Ministry of Environment has published a report. 

7. Elevators

I have noticed that people often take stairs by default, unless it is a high rise office building or something similar. People don't necessarily take elevators just because they are there. My building has an elevator and stairs right next to it. While it is open for everyone to use, people only use it if they are on a bike or have a stroller. This is great because it leaves the elevator available for those who truly need it. 

Another great feature about elevators is the door close button. It actually works. In the U.S., I never bothered pressing it, because the doors never seemed to close any faster. When I first arrived in Japan, I continued to ignore the button. But other people in the elevator would lean across and press it. Soon, I realized that people expected me to press it after entering the elevator so everyone can get on with the ride. Here, the doors do actually close as soon as you press the door close button.

8. No Tips

There is no tipping in Japan. In some contexts, it can even be impolite to tip. Tip supporters say tipping encourages better service, but I have always received amazing service in Japan. 

In Japanese culture, work is a source of pride. Whether it involves real artisanship or manual labor, the shokunin spirit is present. A shokunin is an artisan, an expert craftsman who seeks to master a specific skill. The shokunin spirit can be described as the endless pursuit of perfection. 

Work is also a means of demonstrating dignity through hardship, which is highly valued in Japanese culture. In Japanese, (according to Wikipedia) Gaman means enduring the seemingly unbearable with patience and dignity. It means persevering, maintaining your dignity and control under distress. To do so is highly admired. Between the concepts of Gaman and shokunin, it is no wonder that tipping is irrelevant to excellent service. 

10 Ways to be Well-Mannered in Japan

Moving to a new country means being busy all the time learning and re-learning how to do things. There are a few big things, like navigating the bureaucracy to obtain my resident card, getting a new mobile phone, and enrolling the kids in new schools. Then there are a thousand little things. This post is about the little things that facilitate my social interactions and make my daily life go more smoothly.

1. Shoes Off

In most East Asian cultures, you have to take your outdoor shoes off before entering a home. In China, we switch to indoor slippers. In Japan, it's not simply a matter of indoor/outdoor shoes. For example, sometimes there are special bathroom slippers to be worn only in that space. Even in public spaces, there are times when you must remove your shoes. 

Gyms might request you to switch to indoor gym shoes before entering. This requires a second pair of workout shoes, which I still need to buy. Shoes should also come off before entering kids' playrooms or any place where people normally sit on the floor, like restaurants with traditional floor seating or seats for watching sumo. Fitting rooms at stores are another place where shoes are removed. Sometimes slippers will be provided in these instances. 

2. Direction of Parked Shoes

When you take your shoes off, you should turn them the other way so that the toe of your shoes are pointing towards the door. When you are ready to leave, you can slip the shoes back on without having to do it backwards. It's practical, but it's also manners. If there is a closet or shelf for shoes, you should pick your shoes up and place them there. 

3. Shoes and Feet Generally

This should go without saying, but stepping on things that are not meant to be stepped on is considered extremely ill-mannered here and many other countries. Do not wash them in the washing machine or, god forbid, the dishwasher, in Japan. 

It is difficult to describe how upset it makes me to see people sitting on public seats with their shoes stepping on the chair or resting on the opposite facing chair. I used to see this on the CTA all the time. It's a public space, so respect it! That seat you are stepping on with your dirty shoes is a place someone else will later sit on. It is not an exaggeration to say that the mentality behind these actions was a reason I wanted to move. It may seem like a passive action, but to me, it feels like an active transgression. It reflects significantly on mutual respect, cooperation, and communal trust within a society. 

When I was studying abroad in Barcelona, my friend was resting her feet (shoes on) on the seats opposite us in a train. An elderly couple across the aisle scolded her for it. She couldn't understand why at all. I didn't say it, but I totally understood. 

Anyways, this is my long-winded way of saying that shoes are dirty and many cultures, including Japan, treat them that way. Don't worry, this is the last I have to say about shoes. 

4. Punctuality

I am usually on time, sometimes a few minutes late, and rarely more than five minutes late. When I meet people, I consider them on time so long as they are not more than five minutes late. Japanese people are generally very punctual. Even if they arrive early, they will walk around or wait until the appointment time so as not to inconvenience the receiving party by being early. This is my first time living in such a punctual culture, so I am trying my best to be on time more. 

5. Chopsticks

I don't think anyone will be offended if you opt out of chopsticks. If you do use chopsticks, however, just remember that the golden rule is to never stick the chopsticks upright in the food. This, as far as I know, is a pan-Asian rule. It resembles incense burning at funerals and considered bad luck. 

A less egregious one is laying the chopsticks across a bowl. I didn't grow up with this one, but Hiro says it has something to do with resembling a bridge to the afterlife. 

Minor chopstick rules: don't use chopsticks to stab food - better to just switch to a fork if that's the only way to get food into your mouth. Don't lick food from the chopsticks. Use the chopstick rest.

6. Finishing Your Food

While finishing your food (meaning, your own plate of food and not the communal food) is standard good manners in almost any culture, wastefulness is simply not tolerated in Japanese culture. This is also true of traditional Chinese culture, though sadly some Chinese people waste intentionally these days as a show of wealth. Some even do it to emulate American culture, equating it with prosperity. 

Nevertheless, both Hiro and I were taught to eat every single grain of rice. My mom would recite the saying about the rice farmer who had to break his back to pick every grain of rice and both how wasteful and disrespectful it is to leave behind even a single grain. Hiro reports that his mom said the same thing. 

7. Using the Close Button in Elevators

I never used the close button in elevators because it never seemed to work. Press or not, the door closes at its own pace. In Japan, the close button will actually make the door close faster. So people actually use the button. Press the close button after you step onto an occupied elevator. Otherwise, someone else will step forward and press it for you. I keep making this mistake, standing there wasting other people's time as the seconds tick by. 

8. Onsens and Baths

You should take off all your clothes and shower thoroughly before using any bath. Onsens, or hot springs, have an area where you shower first. Only then can you enter the bath. The reason is that everyone shares the hot spring water, so everything that goes in should first be cleaned. This holds true for private baths at home too, because the family shares the same bath. Baths are meant for relaxation rather than cleaning. 

9. Unsolicited conversation

In America, it is often perceived as a sign of friendliness when strangers talk to you. It's fine if it is just a pleasantry or two, but sometimes it goes on [cue the Trader Joe's checkout experience]. In Japan, people will not appreciate unsolicited advice and conversation. People cherish the right to be left alone. 

10. Following Rules

Finally, rules are pretty sacred in Japanese culture. They are taken seriously and definitely not seen as mere suggestions. There are also lots of rules governing all aspects of life, so it can be challenging. Even something as seemingly simple as swimming in a public pool can be a headache if you cannot grasp the rules: take shoes off before entering the locker room, shower before entering pool, choosing the appropriate lane for your swim speed, maintaining that speed unless you want to get moved to a slower lane (you swim in circles, so if someone catches up to you, it is pretty much game over for you even though they could just pass you), and bringing an extra dry towel to use before returning to the locker room. I know this all from personal experience. 

Most of these manners can be reduced to simply being considerate of other people. Following so many rules in minute detail can be hard, but it is what makes public life run smoothly here.