Moving to a new country means being busy all the time learning and re-learning how to do things. There are a few big things, like navigating the bureaucracy to obtain my resident card, getting a new mobile phone, and enrolling the kids in new schools. Then there are a thousand little things. This post is about the little things that facilitate my social interactions and make my daily life go more smoothly.
1. Shoes Off
In most East Asian cultures, you have to take your outdoor shoes off before entering a home. In China, we switch to indoor slippers. In Japan, it's not simply a matter of indoor/outdoor shoes. For example, sometimes there are special bathroom slippers to be worn only in that space. Even in public spaces, there are times when you must remove your shoes.
Gyms might request you to switch to indoor gym shoes before entering. This requires a second pair of workout shoes, which I still need to buy. Shoes should also come off before entering kids' playrooms or any place where people normally sit on the floor, like restaurants with traditional floor seating or seats for watching sumo. Fitting rooms at stores are another place where shoes are removed. Sometimes slippers will be provided in these instances.
2. Direction of Parked Shoes
When you take your shoes off, you should turn them the other way so that the toe of your shoes are pointing towards the door. When you are ready to leave, you can slip the shoes back on without having to do it backwards. It's practical, but it's also manners. If there is a closet or shelf for shoes, you should pick your shoes up and place them there.
3. Shoes and Feet Generally
This should go without saying, but stepping on things that are not meant to be stepped on is considered extremely ill-mannered here and many other countries. Do not wash them in the washing machine or, god forbid, the dishwasher, in Japan.
It is difficult to describe how upset it makes me to see people sitting on public seats with their shoes stepping on the chair or resting on the opposite facing chair. I used to see this on the CTA all the time. It's a public space, so respect it! That seat you are stepping on with your dirty shoes is a place someone else will later sit on. It is not an exaggeration to say that the mentality behind these actions was a reason I wanted to move. It may seem like a passive action, but to me, it feels like an active transgression. It reflects significantly on mutual respect, cooperation, and communal trust within a society.
When I was studying abroad in Barcelona, my friend was resting her feet (shoes on) on the seats opposite us in a train. An elderly couple across the aisle scolded her for it. She couldn't understand why at all. I didn't say it, but I totally understood.
Anyways, this is my long-winded way of saying that shoes are dirty and many cultures, including Japan, treat them that way. Don't worry, this is the last I have to say about shoes.
4. Punctuality
I am usually on time, sometimes a few minutes late, and rarely more than five minutes late. When I meet people, I consider them on time so long as they are not more than five minutes late. Japanese people are generally very punctual. Even if they arrive early, they will walk around or wait until the appointment time so as not to inconvenience the receiving party by being early. This is my first time living in such a punctual culture, so I am trying my best to be on time more.
5. Chopsticks
I don't think anyone will be offended if you opt out of chopsticks. If you do use chopsticks, however, just remember that the golden rule is to never stick the chopsticks upright in the food. This, as far as I know, is a pan-Asian rule. It resembles incense burning at funerals and considered bad luck.
A less egregious one is laying the chopsticks across a bowl. I didn't grow up with this one, but Hiro says it has something to do with resembling a bridge to the afterlife.
Minor chopstick rules: don't use chopsticks to stab food - better to just switch to a fork if that's the only way to get food into your mouth. Don't lick food from the chopsticks. Use the chopstick rest.
6. Finishing Your Food
While finishing your food (meaning, your own plate of food and not the communal food) is standard good manners in almost any culture, wastefulness is simply not tolerated in Japanese culture. This is also true of traditional Chinese culture, though sadly some Chinese people waste intentionally these days as a show of wealth. Some even do it to emulate American culture, equating it with prosperity.
Nevertheless, both Hiro and I were taught to eat every single grain of rice. My mom would recite the saying about the rice farmer who had to break his back to pick every grain of rice and both how wasteful and disrespectful it is to leave behind even a single grain. Hiro reports that his mom said the same thing.
7. Using the Close Button in Elevators
I never used the close button in elevators because it never seemed to work. Press or not, the door closes at its own pace. In Japan, the close button will actually make the door close faster. So people actually use the button. Press the close button after you step onto an occupied elevator. Otherwise, someone else will step forward and press it for you. I keep making this mistake, standing there wasting other people's time as the seconds tick by.
8. Onsens and Baths
You should take off all your clothes and shower thoroughly before using any bath. Onsens, or hot springs, have an area where you shower first. Only then can you enter the bath. The reason is that everyone shares the hot spring water, so everything that goes in should first be cleaned. This holds true for private baths at home too, because the family shares the same bath. Baths are meant for relaxation rather than cleaning.
9. Unsolicited conversation
In America, it is often perceived as a sign of friendliness when strangers talk to you. It's fine if it is just a pleasantry or two, but sometimes it goes on [cue the Trader Joe's checkout experience]. In Japan, people will not appreciate unsolicited advice and conversation. People cherish the right to be left alone.
10. Following Rules
Finally, rules are pretty sacred in Japanese culture. They are taken seriously and definitely not seen as mere suggestions. There are also lots of rules governing all aspects of life, so it can be challenging. Even something as seemingly simple as swimming in a public pool can be a headache if you cannot grasp the rules: take shoes off before entering the locker room, shower before entering pool, choosing the appropriate lane for your swim speed, maintaining that speed unless you want to get moved to a slower lane (you swim in circles, so if someone catches up to you, it is pretty much game over for you even though they could just pass you), and bringing an extra dry towel to use before returning to the locker room. I know this all from personal experience.
Most of these manners can be reduced to simply being considerate of other people. Following so many rules in minute detail can be hard, but it is what makes public life run smoothly here.
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